bigtips

How long can you leave a dead car at a friend's house?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

A week in which many short questions are answered:

Dear Mary,

After I had guests over, their car wouldn't start. They got a ride home, but the car is still here.

What is a reasonable length of time for a friend to leave a dead car in front of your house?

Dear Garagista,

Auto-immobile

In front of an apartment building in a neighborhood where parking is tight? Overnight. Maximum, 48 hours, unless they'll get ticketed in less than that amount of time.

In front of a house in a neighborhood where parking is more readily available? A week, maybe two in an extreme circumstance.

If it's pissing you off, and it seems like it is, have

them move it to a block where no

one knows either one of you.

Dear Big Tipper,

hazard. Being madcap requires a certain glib ability to make clear that you're just working some joie de vivre, and that you're not some social misfit.

Jumping into a fountain can be a sign of insouciant lightheartedness, or of being off your meds. The impact depends on what you're saying at the time. You may want to practice some (small g) gay, general-use remarks to have at the ready, like, “Being with you makes me feel giddy like a child," or "Twenty-three skidoo!"

Dear Tip,

My boyfriend and I threw a party, and I knew we'd need ice for the drinks, so I picked up a bag at the store. When he saw'

it, he told me, "Bagged ice is tacky," and that he'd bought little star molds to make shaped cubes.

What is that? Since when is bagged ice tacky? Don't you think it's a little too much to care about the shape of the cubes, or where the hell they came

from?

BIG TIPS

Wouldn't you say it's a lover's right, practically their responsibility, to pop their lovers' pimples?

Dear Pressing Concern, Absolutely.

Dear Big Tipper,

In a Pinch

Answer this my way, and I'll finally experience justice. Who is responsible for putting a new trash bag in, the person who just emptied the trash, or the next one to use the can?

Dear Trashed,

No Old Bags Here

You didn't say which was your side, but the person who took the trash out is responsible, unless that person has specifically asked someone who's in the room at the time to replace the bag. The next person who comes along probably won't look before s/ he chucks.

You should always leave a situation ready to be used by the next person: bed made with fresh sheets after stripping the old, fresh towels out after dirty ones go to laundry, etc.

Dear Big Tipper,

I went on a date last night, and the building the restaurant was in had a revolving door. I thought it would be cute and romantic to squeeze into the same compartment as my date. As soon as I did it, she looked over her shoulder at me like I was an idiot who didn't know how to go through a door.

Was that a weird thing for me to do? In a Whirl Over a Girl

Dear You Say You Want a Revolution, Honey, that's so not weird, unless your combined sizes created a possible wedging

Cold as Ice

Dear Party Boy Cubed, Whatever. He probably didn't like the port wine

cheese ball you bought, either, did he? I imagine that if he's the particular type, you already know that about him. Let him make his fancy little ice cubes, but keep the bag in the freezer, in case of an emergency. If he thinks the bag is gauche, put the cubes in an ice bucket: that's what they're for.

Dear Tipper,

If you invite someone to dinner, then so much time has passed that you think they aren't interested, so you invite their estranged ex, then the original friend says they are coming, what do you do?

Not Exactly Oysters for Dinner

Dear Torn Between Two Ex-Lovers, You call the one you feel more comfortable being a little less honest with (or the one you want to have dinner with less), and say, "You know, I was having you to dinner on Tuesday because there were some friends I really wanted you to meet, but they're no longer able to make it. Can we please reschedule?"

Honesty is not always the best policy. and in this case, no one would want to hear that their ex is being chosen over them.

Dear Big Tipper,

If you have pubic hair in your throat, is it okay to make a joke about it? Or should you just sneak it out? Which is smoother? Hair From Down There

Dear Pubic Servant,

I'd suggest a discreet finger sweep, avoiding any gagging triggers. If the previous owner of the hair catches you doing this, you can make a snappy comment like, say, "Twenty three skidoo." ✓

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216631-1052. or e-mail to martone (a drizzle.com.

September 15, 2000 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

cleveland public theatre

PRESENTS

GROSS

INDECENCY

THE THREE TRIALS OF

Oscar wis de

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BY MOISES KAUFMAN

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THROUGH SEPTEMBER

FOR TICKETS & INFO CALL 216.631.2727

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